Poem For Contemp. Lit class

[Fel Touu]

I've got a poem due tomorrow and I would appreciate some constructive criticism. Thanks!

Of Masks and Quilts

When I look at myself
Do I see myself, or what I want to be
Or something worse than either?

Act like this and this and
Find a one that seems to fit and
Try and do what I can and
It doesn’t really make it

Wear a mask and hope they see
What I really want to be.
Don’t get to close, just walk by
All masks have holes for eyes.

My teacher says it’s an original half
But all I see is simple math
Add what’s good, if it’s bad
Subtract.

End up with something that doesn’t seem
To be anything like the original.
A pile, a mess, like a patchwork quilt
Warm and familiar but worn.

[Cynder]

aya! I love it! however, for stanza two:

Act like this and this and
Find a one that seems to fit and
Try and do what I can and
It doesn’t really make it

you should rewrite it like this:


Acting like this and that,
Trying to find one that seems to fit;
Attempting to do what I can, but
It doesn’t really make it

I don't know, it makes a little more sense, and it reduces your repetition of the word 'and'. Just a friendly suggestion ^^

[Fel Touu]

Thanks I was trying to use the repetition to stress how much there really was, but if it doesn't make sense it's better to change it.

[Cynder]

oh, I didn't know that. you don't have to change it if you don't want to.